Four video reviews for the same student? He's not even paying me to do this. It's just coincidence based on how I pick the essays I review. There are a couple points I started to make in the video that I didn't finish or develop. At 3:36, I say "I'm going to suggest something here..." and the thing I wanted to suggest was actually that you do not write your first sentence until you have finished your last sentence. Leave a space. Write the rest of it, and then at the end, come back to the top and ask yourself, "how can I start this in a way that will refer to everything that comes after it?" As it stands, the first line has next to nothing to do with the rest of the essay.
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